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6/21/07 - Virtual Tour Happy Solstice true believers! On this longest day of summer teams Northwest and Southeast, engaged in an unending epic battle here at NA Trading and Technology, have called an armistice. We shall take advantage of this pause in hostilities to give you a unique virtual tour of the offices. The following images were taken from dozens of spy cameras as well as the clever method of creeping around and shouting “Hey!” then snapping a shot as the employees turned around. Here we see the view upon entering the office of NA Trading and Technology. We can see the state-of-the-art Ricoh Aficio 650, the NATT flag, and those papers peppered across the walls, if you could read them, detail the evacuation/battle plans in case of a zombie incursion. Like boy scouts, NA Trading and Technology is always prepared. The NATT flag, with the coat of arms of both sales teams, currently in team Northwest’s territory. The honor of flying these colors has become the symbol, and perhaps even the cause, of the unending war. Team Northwest has marked the boundary of their territory with their coat of arms, peppering the cubicle walls at eye height. Sprinkled across the ground is an arcane mixture of thyme, sage, and the heartsblood of the damned. Few would dare this curse by crossing uninvited. 5/31/07 - Volleyball It’s volleyball season again, true believers. The NA Trading and Technology volleyball team is back in full force, with Jessica again leading the team of stalwart veterans in the battle for the company honor. They are heroes among us, they are fighters, they are willing to give every ounce of finely honed muscle and overheated blood: they are the Paper Jams. Victory on the sand means glory, huge bonuses, sponsorship deals, and beer. Defeat means tears, dashed hopes, crushed dreams, and beer. The actual bouts take place at an undisclosed location in a Minneapolis suburb. Despite numerous attempts, your dedicated reporter has not been able to infiltrate the security of these matches. We can only imagine what the action must be like: picture, if you will, a game of intense strategy, of pure brute strength, of glorious synchrony of muscle and mind. Probably these epic battles are not unlike scenes from the movie 300. Spartan warriors in majestic slow motion with bursts of frenetic speed and surreal backdrops of sepia clouds. 4/27 - Special Research Division There have been disturbing new developments in the depths of NA Trading and Technology, true believers. Deep in the twisting catacombs of the warehouse, a new door has been erected, leading to a previously unused bunker-like space. The door is reinforced metal, and this image is posted in the center: Clearly this begs for investigation. After a number of ruses involving several unlikely delivery costumes and one fire alarm, your dedicated reporter gained entry into this restricted area. Beyond the initial security corridor lay row upon row of steel cages. Most were empty at the time, but many held wild animals: cougars, bears, and wolves – and beyond that, more than a few sales personnel were locked in suspended cages of their own. The momentarily vacated computer lab yielded more questions than answers, though a basic overview of the project could be gleaned from the files. The NA Trading and Technology Special Research Division is not what you might think. They do not research better ways to design or manufacture copier parts. They do not study yields or failure rates. What they appear to do in that ultra-secure compound is more of a… softer science. Imagine experiments in psychological breaks mixed with some mad scientist and you’re beginning to get there. Their studies center around methods and people. They study the benefits of different sales strategies in individual tests. They study customer stress reaction to part failure. They have a study to determine the value of the NATT long-term partner strategy versus a quicker approach to sales. On the surface, this sounds like a logical area of research. But all of these studies are conducted with the caged sales reps, and yes, the wild animals. The results are unknown at this time. You think, dear reader, that I kid you. I do not. I leave you with the following images stolen from the Special Research Division computer drives. Until we know more... 4/6 - Egg Hunt '07 6 A.M. A cold, harsh Minnesota morning. It's still dark. Temperature around 15 degrees. Wind gusting. Wind Chill near zero. Grown men and women darting through the frigid darkness looking for easter eggs. Yes, it’s that time of year again, true believers. Time for the NA Trading and Technology Easter Egg Hunt! For those of you who were not with us last year, this is a viscous, knock-down, no-holds barred egg hunt. Not the kind of hunt you would take your children to. These people eat children for breakfast, right after taking their candy. Then they have a midday snack of puppies and kittens. The story is they are searching for eggs. Plastic eggs, some filled with candy, some with money, and some only with the agony of defeat. But they aren't in it for the money, or the sweets. No, these are warriors: Spartans. What they really is seek glory, and they will go home victors, or not at all. Here are the actual rules of the egg hunt, as sent to the NATT employees by management. Note how new rules are added each year in response to incidents in previous years (such as locking people up, handcuffing, blood letting, etc).
A few tips for the rookies: while bringing your own power tools is forbode, feel free to bring other accessories that could help your game; a durable bag for stashing your eggs; an extender rod; perhaps a small flashlight. Whatever can give you an edge on your competition (please, no restraining devices or mace this year!!). And in this heroic struggle, enemies abound. Players pair up into teams of two, and trust their partner with their very lives. Every other team is the enemy. But over and above them is managment, the true enemy, like some kind of James Bond villian. Evil masterminds, and their weapon of choice, their doomsday device, is the cruel and wicked way in which they hide the eggs. This year’s most evil egg hiding places were: The winning team this year was Dave and Amy (who were the first on the scene at 6am). Team Deb and Brian lodged a formal protest, however. They felt sure to win after stumbling across the bag filled with last years’ eggs in the back of a cabinet, but the eggs were confiscated by Jason. They were also officially reprimanded for smuggling their own stock of eggs in to add to their finds (and lost despite cheating). Check out the Photo Gallery! That’s all for now. Gnatt out! 3/16 - What Happens at Itex, Stays at Itex Let us delve into the realm of conspiracy theories for a moment. Let us suppose, just suppose, that one of the greatest conspiracies of the imaging industry is about to begin anew next week. Some of you are unaware of this secret, many of you have heard about the cover story but don’t know the true nature. Some of you, I am sad to report, are a part of it. Then let us further suppose that NA Trading and Technology falls into this last category. That they are, in fact, an instrumental part of the conspiracy known by the colloquial cover of "Itex." Itex purports to be a weeklong industry trade show located in Las Vegas. They bill themselves as: "The #1 Dealer Reseller & VAR Show and the One Stop Document Technology Event to find complete end-to-end Hardware and Software Solutions!" They claim to offer seminars and have an exhibit hall featuring booths of all of the major vendors in the industry. But what if all of seminars and exhibitors and meetings are just the surface that they want us to see? What if in actuality Itex is nothing more than a façade, a thin veneer of respectability to cover for a corporate-expensed week of gambling and debauchery? To perfect the illusion of this supposed "trade show" suppose they even create an elaborate exhibit hall. But look closely. Those booths may be nothing but foam and fiberglass fronts painted over. The people standing there? Actors. It’s possible. If you know the passcode, and whisper it to any of the actors they will give you a blue 3x5 card with the location of that evening’s events. And I’m not talking about a lecture on economies of scale. What if where Itex promises access to experts and industry professionals and the latest cutting-edge information, the reality is access to high-stakes poker tables and roulette wheels? And when they talk about valuable meetings and unique networking opportunities they’re really talking about dark, smoke-filled rooms with voluptuous shadow dancers backlit above the bar? I won’t even get into what their hardware and software solutions might really be. What if instead of a trade show it is some kind of primal revelry, a blur of flashing lights, exotic beverages and cocktail waitresses with legs up to here? There could be rumors of darker happenings as well. Celebrity boxing events starring the leaders of the industry. Cigar dens where the OEMs roll dice to decide what their copier yeilds will be for the coming year. Grotesque clockwork contraptions hobbled together from the corpses of a hundred failed copiers by technicians gone mad, that run forever off of the very souls of the operators. Free drinks while you’re at the tables. It is madness. And you might think that a conspiracy of this type would have to be small to go on for seven years without being exposed. But it isn’t the case. If true, this conspiracy is nearly industry-wide. Just about every manufacturer of parts or supplies or software attends the show. And thousands of copier dealers would be in on it as well. Clearly all of them stick to the cover story of valuable meetings and informative seminars and massive exhibit halls. But there are too many questions that they aren’t willing or able to answer. Lost time, vast knowledge suddenly implanted in their minds, faint worn remnants of club stamps on the inside of the wrist, overflowing bags of catalogs and sample products from unstated sources. And NA Trading and Technology will be there with the rest, at booth #229. Or will it just be actors in NA shirts? 11/16 - Fanatic Greetings true believers. Today we’re going to take a step away from our usual discussion of the surprising and often amusing inter-workings of NA Trading and Technology, and discuss instead my trip to the store. You see, your faithful bug made a trip to the local Best Buy yesterday (which was Wednesday) to pick up a wireless router. While walking in, I noticed a line of about a dozen tents and at least as many people standing around in the cold, chatting, leaning, and talking on phones. The mind of the investigative reporter is a quick one, and I knew at once that something was afoot. Stepping inside, I approached the first employee I saw. The conversation went something like this: Me: Why is there a line of people outside? Employee: (pointing to a sign on the door) They’re waiting for the new Playstation 3 that’s coming out. Me: Aaaahhhh. Are you doing a midnight release thing? Employee: No, it doesn’t come out until Friday. Now, your humble bug has been known to play a video game or two, but seriously. Three days of waiting in the cold? Surely it’s not true cold yet, and in fact is only hitting the low 20s overnight, but still. This is a bit, shall we say, insane. Did they request time off of work to do this? And if so, why not take time off a few days later to, you know, play the game, rather than wait to buy it? Some of them were young too – young enough to be legally required to be in school. Were they waiting with their parents? On the way out I took a more careful look at this strangely dedicated lot and their humble gypsy-like village. The tents were bustling with activity. The people milling outside were clearly each associated with a tent, but instead chose to stand in the frigid wind and chat with their neighbors. There was a feeling of community, almost. Now, Minnesotans have a strange ritual they refer to as "ice fishing" and it suddenly occurred to me that this might not be so different. Inside the tents they had not just the piles of blankets and sleeping bags that you’d expect; oh no, there was much more. They had space heaters and were sitting comfortably without coats, watching – and I say this in all serious – watching movies on their portable DVD players and drinking beer. In fact, if one were to add a fishing line it would be just like ice fishing, only at the end they get a game consol, instead of no fish. Despite this set-up, I still spied some…. problems with the arrangement. There are certain undeniable bodily functions that must be addressed, after all. During the day I suppose they could just step into the Best Buy and use the restroom. But what about night? All night? After days of living the (somewhat) rough life, do they cease to care about dignity and just step outside the tent, look around expansively, and step off the curb to do their business? Or are there bedpans in those tents? But the one thing neither I nor you can argue about is that these fanatics are certainly fabulous customers. In fact, I think NA Trading and Technology needs more customers like these. What is the secret to motivating customers to wait outside in sub-freezing weather for days – days! – abandoning all grooming and family and responsibilities in the hopes of getting their greedy little claws on a single copy of your product (because it is one per customer, after all). Surely the product must be a good one, no doubt about that, but NATT has many a phenomenal product. No, the secret seems to be the shortage of product. A bit of surfing and informed this bug that these Playstation 3 things will be sold out everywhere in the first hour. So this is what your brilliant bug would like to see happen at NA Trading and Technology. Perhaps when they finally unveil their crazy Evolution line of feed tires (whoop – you didn’t hear about that from me). They can deliberately short-run the manufacturing, announce a midnight release well in advance, and BAM! Customers lining up and camping out outside the NATT offices. It would be fantastic – the sales staff wouldn’t even have to get on the phone – they could just toss on a parka and stroll out front with a pot of coffee and talk some business. Brilliant. Gnat out! 10/26 - The Beast of Winter It is known that many of you, true believers, live in the more temperate regions of world and do not have a full appreciation for the… shall we say, eagerness of winter in Minnesota. It is a living thing, like some predatory beast straining against its chain, salivating at the thought of devouring all that is warm and beautiful. October was not a week begun before the first snowflakes fell from a frigid and darksome sky. The snow has fallen several times since. Already it is full dark before the employees shuffle in the door, bleary-eyed and lost to the world as they sit at their desks and insert the caffeine IV tubes into well-scarred veins. All too soon it will be full dark when they leave. The leaves have all fallen from the trees and the plant-life is dying under the approaching shadow that is the beast of winter. It cannot be said that the long darkness to come is without light, however. Despite the frigid winds, the space heaters already purring away in cubicles, and the soul-rending desolation that is the knowledge that this is only the beginning, it gets much worse my little ones, despite this all, there is a shred of hope. A persistent rumor is circulating throughout the offices of NA Trading and Technology that whenever there is a record sales day, week, or month, the general manager and sales managers will do the Dance of Joy (a sort of silly jig that lasts a really long time) before the assembled staff. And that, true believers, is a sight worth a little cold, and a little dark. And you can be sure that this reporter will be on hand to capture photographic evidence. But until that day, the cold wind blows and the white raven flies. Winter is Coming. Greetings true believers! After a long-term undercover investigative session, your faithful bug is back with the scoop behind the closed doors of the ever-mysterious NA Trading and Technology. The NATT Summer Volleyball season is at an end and the less said about that, I think we can agree, the better. It is all we need to know that they were not, in the end, the kind of team that takes first place. They were the other kind. But with the end of one season comes the beginning of another, and the official Sales League season has begun. In this competition, each Product Specialist is a team unto themselves: they select their team name, colors, and coat of arms; they are athlete, coach, and cheerleader in one. They are warriors, gladiators even, fighting for their freedom. They are Spartacus. They are thrust into heated competition with one another in a complicated series of week-long pairings lasting through the end of the year – with a playoff schedule after that. The weapons used are telephones and the soft gray matter clotting their skulls rather than spears and swords. And while it’s true that in this arena no blood will be drawn, you can be assured that tears will be shed, dear reader. In the end, there can be only one. Each team scores points for contacting customers (rather than playing pinochle, for example), for introducing customers to newer, stronger products, and for introducing new customers to the company. I think, true believers, we can both agree that while this competition will become an obsession in the minds of the Product Specialists, each an army of one, this is not a spectator sport. At least not a terribly interesting one. But what is fascinating to the untrained observer is the coat of arms selections made by the Product Specialists.
8/23 Greetings true believers. Your undercover bug behind the scenes is back with not just a report, but photographic evidence of the Sweet Summer Smackdown and BBQ. This event pitted employee against employee in a series of grueling athletic competitions, the details of which were not reveled until the last possible moment. The event held the normal BBQ accoutrements: cold soda, beer, dead animal parts exposed to open flame, condiments, volleyball, and a gorgeous summer day. By noon nearly the entire staff of NA Trading and Technology had arrived with families in tow, and Jason and Jessica revealed their fiendish secret events – another step toward their goal of becoming criminal masterminds. Employees were to pair into teams of two to compete in three different events.
In a particularly evil twist, these events could be done at any time, and a team may participate in each event as many times as they wanted. I think, true believers, that it goes without saying that there were a lot of very wet losers by the end of the day. In the end Team Brian & Dave B won the water balloon toss. They set the distance record early in the day on their first attempt, and broke their own record several times during the afternoon, ending with a successful catch of over 30 yards. Team Brian & Dave B also took the Squirt Gun Arcade with 38 knockdowns: the nearest competition had only 27. Team Chris & Dave M made a strong run at the Spoon Relay, but Team Jessica and Amber slaughtered their time. Chris and Dave M made a second, desperate attempt to regain their glory, but failed. There was some question about the legality of one of the event organizers participating, but since Jessica was the final judge as well as the cheating organizer, the question was overruled. Following the competitions was a seemingly endless series of volleyball games that left several people sunburned, and then the announcement of prizes and the raffle drawing, during which hundreds of dollars of prizes were awarded. The die-hard party goers were not content to end the evening there, however, and traveled to Jason’s house to continue the festivities. They didn’t quite make it inside, however, once they saw the basketball hoop out front. The party quickly divided along fascinating gender lines with the menfolk shooting hoops, the womenfolk sitting on the grass and talking about kids, and the kids attacking the basketball players with massive super soaker squirt guns. As the evening wore on the pace of activities slowed until an epic game of PIG broke out, with most shots involving "Beer in one hand, and shoot from here." Pete claimed the mantle of Pig King after a virtuoso display of hoops involving a solid 30 minutes of one-on-one competition at the end.  7/20 Greetings true believers! Your faithful bug is alarmed to report a disturbing change in the hallowed halls of NA Trading and Technology. Sometime in the wee hours of the night the management fairies crept through the office, their footfalls tinkling on the tufted floors. In the morning, dear readers, full color posters were peppered everywhere: in every cubicle, next to the door, along every hallway, even above the urinals in the bathroom. These posters boldly proclaim the "Sweet Summer Smackdown and BBQ," an occasion promised to be "the company event of the year." For those of you picturing in your mind’s eye brightly colored circus tents, music, and dancing bears, I humbly invite you read through the archive and peruse the devilish cunning that was the company Easter Egg Hunt. In addition to nondescript items like "Tasty BBQ" and "Fabulous Prizes," the poster promises, rather omniously, "Ironman Volleyball" and "BadBoy Bocce Ball." Exactly what, I ask you reader, is that supposed to mean? Ironman? BadBoy? I needn’t remind you that the last such event included specific rules to handle bloodshed and involuntary detainment. And that was under the pleasant guise of Easter Egg Hunt. What horrors have these derranged minds concocted that corresponds to an Ironman Volleyball tournament? We can only wait and see, true believers. Trust that your faithful Gnat will be on the scene to report!
5/26 Today, true believers, your faithful Gnat shall take you into the darkest bowels of NA Trading and Technology, into a place you may well wish you had never heard of. After months of work, your diligent bug has finally uncovered the most mysterious of NATT processes: Toner. It is a word filled with conflicting emotions – terror and reverence, confusion and insight, fear and glory. It is the stuff that copies are made of, the mysterious dark matter of the industry. The whole process of the copier, mystical though it may seem, is nothing without toner. And I have learned, true believers, that the process of its creation is every bit as arcane and unfathomnable as you might suspect. I’m speaking of doors closed and best kept that way, behind which sourcing employees know things that no human was meant to know. Eldrich secrets passed down from employee to employee. These are not the kind of offices that you enter and walk out again; they are the other kind. I have seen with my own eyes the employees clad in dark robes, chanting "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" Beside them the interns learned simpler chants, "A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y." It is from here that the NA Trading and Technology sourcing department coordinates with manufacturers across the globe to develop toner that can actually exceed OEM performance. Toner with less loss due to dusting, that produces darker, crisper copies. It is a paradoxical place of arcane practice and obsession with the minutiae of science. In the short time that I observed these workers their conversation revealed a total obsession with particle size consistency, dusting, and field testing results. It is a place of infinite patience in which testing takes months or even years; a place without the slightest hint of mercy for manufacturing partners. In this place of cyclopean vistas copiers ran constantly, testing new toner. Charts filled with indecipherable script hung from the walls, and the lead sourcing expert rode a motorcycle. That last may not have any bearing on the process, but then how could we really know? Probably the most terrifying thing I overheard in by brief time there was the phrase, "Marketing has something special planned… increase production. Muwahahahaha!!!" I must admit that I fled this place of science and mystery. Perhaps one day I will have the courage to return.
5/16 Monday dawned dreary over the NA Trading and Technology offices. An overcast sky promised rain, and delivered on that promise periodically throughout the day. A chill wind persistently sought after ill-prepared pedestrians who were foolish enough to believe that warmer weather had come at last. Crows gathered in the trees above the offices, mocking the employees as they wandered in and out. Trees and sky alike were blackened by clouds of locust, the tides ran red, and an unexpected full eclipse darkened the skies. If you were the sort to watch for signs or omens, the outlook was not good. Monday, true believers, marked the first bout of the NATT volleyball team. Throughout the day tension was high in anticipation of the game. Ted prepared schematics of strategies that were passed out for discussion. Team Captain Jessica had high hopes for her loyal NATT crew. They had been training for this. They were, she felt, ready. Then the first blow landed: Dave B cancelled unexpectedly, for reasons unstated though this bug suspects it might have had something to do with the intermittent rain storms. Captain Jessica firmly stated that only lightning would keep them from playing – a downpour, no matter how severe, would only be met with stubborn defiance. Fortunately her team restrained Jessica before she could cause severe physical damage to Dave B, but it was yet another sign of ill and darksome things to come. Six brave souls traveled to the bar after work that day – the three women and three men required to field a team. There would be no rotations and no breaks for Team NATT. They were up against Team ShortBus, and had to play three games back-to-back. The skies darkened. The stillness was punctuated by the staccato barking of jackals. Vultures circled overhead. In the interest of mercy, true believers, I shall spare you the blow-by-blow. The first game was lost, though the score was close. During the second game it rained, but our brave athletes played on. The game was tied as the rain let up and a rainbow came out – but just then foul fate stepped in. One member of team NATT, who shall remain nameless, was admiring and pointing out the rainbow when the ball came her way, and landed at her feet. The second game was lost. Spirits were low going into the third game whose only possible purpose was to add a spark of defiance to the evening, or to rub the NATT noses in the foul mud of defeat. For our heroes it was the mud, alas. Another close score siding with team ShortBus. When asked about the team’s performance after the game Captain Jessica commented, "The score was really close in all the games. It’s so much better than last year!"
5/10 Greetings true believers. Your faithful Gnat has observed a slow week in the NA Trading and Technology offices: a sleepy week, a week in which eyes are irresistibly drawn from phones and computers to the startling verdant display of green beckoning from beyond the windows. It is a time of faraway looks and dreams of summer beaches and nights beneath the open skies. It is well and truly springtime in Minnesota. The rains that roll in nearly every day don’t seem to have any effect on these dreams of glacier-carved lakes and rolling fields of grass. Neither did the bout of spring cleaning, with power tools roaring just outside of open windows and the carpet cleaning that left the offices in a tropics-like humidity for the day, paper curling alarmingly on desks and in the front copier. Jessica, well renowned as a silver-tongued virtuoso of words, is travelling throughout North Carolina this week, meeting with customers and, no doubt, handing out lots of those cool floating NATT pens. Whether the call of summer has infected her is a matter on which we can only speculate, dear readers. But perhaps her sense of purpose carries her beyond the call of campouts and canoe trips. Hers after all is a mission of mercy, lowering costs and increasing performance in her wake, like some kind of warrior goddess of Greek legend. Kaitlin, meanwhile, has contracted fifth’s disease, the black plague, and leprosy, leaving yet another empty desk whispering the call of summer across the cubicle walls. Perhaps next week the office will throw off this seduction of summer and return to their usual antics. We can only wait and see. NAME THE FISH
5/3 Welcome back to another fascinating look inside NA Trading and Technology. Today it is evident that spring is finally creeping into the frozen northland where these strange people make their homes. The ice has melted away from the lakes, trees are beginning to bud, and the first lawnmowers of the year have been spotted chugging along the NATT grounds. With the arrival of warm weather comes another intriguing NA Trading and Technology custom: the volleyball team.
League regulations specify that of the six members on each team, three of them must be women. In past years this gender-balanced team has included Mo and Dave from the warehouse, Amy and Jessica from sales, with occasional appearances by the grand poobah Ted himself (who, this bug hears, is the strongest player in NATT) and random others. Jessica has not yet selected her crack team for this year’s competition, but they will have to possess an endurance that is almost beyond human. Once a week they will travel to a local bar, drink heavily, then compete against similarly inebriated opponents before drinking some more. The volleyball season lasts from May until the end of June. And the sole prize for this selfless dedication is pride and bragging rights: the ability to say, with a faraway look and a slow, considered drawl, "Yeah, we whipped ‘em all." When asked about the team’s performance in the past, Captain Jessica said: "We get better and better as we go along. I think last year we came in second to last. Or maybe last. But it’s a lot of fun." Suffice to say your fascinated reporter will be on the scene as the season begins to report their progress. Gnat out! 4/27 Ricoh itself has brought this NATT part in to be reverse engineered. No one knows what strange feats of engineering and craftsmanship have enabled this unparalleled performance. No one can understand how it’s possible. Until now. Gnat, your bug inside the system has uncovered an inside source willing to speak in this exclusive interview. He has asked that his identity be kept secret, so we shall refer to him as Mr. X. At long last we will put the wild rumors to rest and find the truth.
Gnat: So we’re here today to talk about how NA Trading and Technology gets such incredible yields out of their Ricoh 650 drums. Before we begin, can you tell us a little about your position in the company? Gnat: Is it true that Ricoh brought this drum in to reverse engineer? Gnat: So what is the secret? Gnat: Of course not. Gnat: Certainly. Now regarding the drum? Gnat: Clearly there must be more to it than just that. Gnat: If it’s really that simple of an answer, wouldn’t someone have tried it by now? Gnat: What about the other rumors about these drums? That the NATT R&D team has sold their souls to the underworld, or that they made contact with a technologically advanced alien civilization called the Gr’Osh Vek Collective? Gnat: So it’s just a matter of high quality raw material and good processes? Gnat: Well thank you for shedding some light on this subject for us!
Well, there you have it true believers, the inside scoop from inside NA Trading and Technology, brought to you exclusively by Gnat. You can be sure that your humble bug will not stop until all the secrets of this elusive company are revealed! More next week, Gnat out!
4/21 I write to you this Friday with a special update. The NA Trading and Technology annual Easter Egg Hunt took place in the wee hours of this morning, and your dedicated bug was on the scene to record the action as it unfolded. (For the impatient, here is a shortcut to the Photo Gallery ). As reported last week, in this spring ritual the NATT management (Jason, Ted, and Paul) hide about 200 plastic eggs in the office, and around the NATT property. Some of the eggs are empty, many contain candy, and a precious few house money. The staff then teams up in pairs to hunt for the eggs during prescribed hours. The action began at 5am this morning, the official start time for outdoor searching. It was, of course, full dark: the air was still and cold. A wisp of fog floated across the silent streets, and dew sparkled from the newly budding branches. Two teams were present for the start time: Mo & Dave (shipping) and Brian & Deb (admin and accounting). More groggy competitors showed up in pairs over the next two hours as the sun slowly rose to replace flashlights and head lamps.
By 7am most of the staff of NATT was jostling for position outside the font door, when further management treachery was revealed: they had unlocked the warehouse door in the back of the building to let people in. The horde broke into a sprint around the building, poured through the door, and began dismantling everything in sight, whether or not it was meant to come apart. Two teams came prepared with power drills, and the others quickly got their hands on company tools to facilitate the dismantling. A throng of humanity surged back and forth as certain and unstoppable as the tides. From office areas to the warehouse, from the basement to the bathrooms. Occasional pile-ups materialized as multiple people spotted the same egg, then vanished as they darted off to continue their search. There is no model for the kind of behavior exhibited at the NATT offices this morning: too much independent action to be described as a mob, though elements of mob mentality surely ruled. Too disorganized to be described as calculated action, though one team came complete with satellite maps and walkie-talkies. Not quite enough violence to be described as monkeys fighting over a banana, though from the sounds of it you might not know the difference. The NA Trading and Technology Egg Hunt is a thing that behaviorists will be debating for years to come: half beautiful concert of action, and half primitive savagery. Your humble reporter has never seen its like before, dear readers. Highlights of the chaos include:
Other notable and cunning hiding places included: inside vacuum cleaner bags, inside toner cartridges, bobbing within a container of industrial cleaner, inside of chairs, vents, and the ceiling, inside soap dispensers as well as jugs of liquid soap, buried in boxes of envelopes, mounted above doorways and behind whiteboards. In the fridge and packaged up in the snackbox, taped inside the mail slot and the locked paper shredding box, and, perhaps most amusingly, under a boulder. In the end the winning team was Dave B (controller) & Mike N (purchasing), late-comers who only showed up for the indoor portion of the hunt, though came armed with power drills and extendable grabbing devices. The final egg tally was:
For those of you keeping close track of the numbers, yes, there are many eggs still unaccounted for. Unfortunately management does not keep a record of where they hid the eggs, and so they shall remain entombed for future generation of NATT egg-hunters to find. In the meantime, you can check out the Bug’s Eye Photo Gallery for the bug’s eye view of the action! That’s all the buzz for now – Gnat out.
Greetings true believers! Monday has come again, and your faithful bug continues to get the scoop of behind the scenes life at NA Trading and Technology. Today we’re going to spend some time in the NATT front office, and take a look at the most public of the NATT employees: the Product Specialists. Living life on the front lines takes a special kind of person, and while they sometimes take offense at the moniker “special,” it certainly applies. Whether it’s Mike’s habit of pacing back and forth in his cube while on the phone, or Kymm luxuriating in the tropical paradise fueled by her space heater, these people are a breed apart. The Product Specialists are divided into two teams: Team Northwest, and Team Southeast. To the prying eyes of this bug they are, for the most part, one big happy family; however, whenever the cruel whim of management throws a competition on the board they solidify along team lines into a pack of highly trained sociopaths. Whether the competition involves obscure copier component trivia, or which Specialist visits the most customers in person, the fighting is fierce and below the belt. Each team even has its own coat of arms: The wolf on blue and black for team Northwest, and the lion on red and black for team Southeast. Team Northwest has even papered the outside of their cubicle walls with their coat of arms to mark off their territory. Both coats appear on the official NATT flag, and the victorious team wins the right to fly the flag over their section of the front office. Currently, the flag flies over Northwest. Here is a glimpse of the flag:
And that’s the buzz for this week. Gnat out!
Greetings true believers! Gnat here, your deep cover reporter giving you the behind the scenes glimpse of life at NA Trading and Technology. This column will be updated at least weekly as new bits of life at NATT are revealed to your humble bug. This week spirits are high as temperatures in Minnesota soar into the 50s. While this reporter may not be so thrilled with 50 degree weather in April, these northerners treat it as a blessing from the copier gods. Offerings of paper and toner are reverently laid at the feet of the office copier, the last bits of snow are ceremonially melted in cupped palms (and on the back of heads, at high velocity) and in a frightening development several pasty employees are considering switching to shorts in celebration. With the coming of spring the management of NATT is preparing for the ancient annual company ritual of the Easter Egg Hunt, scheduled this year for the 21st. Management hides hundreds of eggs both inside and outside of the office, and employees partner into teams of two for the hunt itself. Employees are allowed to begin their outdoor search at 5am, and the indoor search goes from 7am to 8:30am. Interviews with long-time employees reveal an amazing degree of cunning and sophistication on the part of the management Egg Hiding Task Force. In past years office appliances, such as the coffee maker, have been completely dismantled and reassembled so that a single egg could be placed within. You can be sure that your dedicated bug will be on the scene to report this ritual as it unfolds! That’s all the buzz for this week. Gnat out!
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ARCHIVE: Here you will find the archive of all past Bug Buzz columns! Bug Buzz is a compilation of the reports of Gnat, your deep cover reporter giving you the behind the scenes glimpse of life at NA Trading and Technology. This column will be updated approximately whenever as new bits of life at NATT are revealed to your humble bug.
Yes, true believers, you heard correctly. Every summer a few brave and proud employees form together into an elite team, bound by the principles of camaraderie, competition, and a big white ball. Team Captain Jessica is just beginning the process of booking their slot in the bar league, and turning her seasoned eyes – not unlike chipped granite for all the softness they show – to her batch of new recruits.
The dawn light revealed the first of the truly evil egg placements: two eggs tied together with about 15” of fishing line, then flung bola style 20 feet up into the trees. Brian & Deb were prepared however, with a long stick that they launched into the trees to retrieve their prize. The first physical conflict also broke out outside as Kaitlin & Jessica (sales) scrambled against Brian & Deb for another of the treed egg pairs, ending with an egg for each team, and Kaitlin face-down in the dirt.
